


Little Left of Me

by knownopain



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Youtuber RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-03 20:34:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12154287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knownopain/pseuds/knownopain
Summary: Dan has some problems, a lot actually. Will there be someone to save him from his own destruction?





	1. Come

_ Honestly what has  _ **_come_ ** _ of me?  _   
  
Daniel Howell, age 18, sits in his AP English class, he slouches in his seat, bored out of his mind. The thoughts replay in his mind, what is coming of him, what is he truly becoming. His arms are wrapped around his small frame as  he stares at the white board ahead. The other students around him were whispering and giggling quietly. Dan heard every little rumour and bit of gossip. Jess cheated on his girlfriend, Mia had sex with Joe and went out with Alfie an hour later. Dan really couldn't give a fuck about what was happening. It was all petty problems.    
  
Then again is he really one to speak?    
  
His stomach rumbled a little and he clenched his jaw, feeling a wave of nausea roll over him. He shifted and lied his head on his desk. The noise around Dan made it worse, the murmurs and giggles, the movement around him. He groaned, the dizziness setting in.    
  
It's been three days.    
  
Three days since his last meal.    
  
The bell rung and Dan grabbed his back, rushing out of the class. He bumped into a few people who gave him dirty looks, but who gives a damn. His bony elbow dug into someone's stomach as he shoved his way through the hallway. That was his first mistake.    
  
It happened quicker than he could've thought.    
  
He was on the floor before he knew it, a crowd had gathered and Charlie stood above him. Now, Dan is taller than Charlie, but with Dan on the floor, Charlie was basically towering over him. Dan was afraid, he'll admit that. He doesn't like fights. He does the best he can to avoid them.   
  
The kick came first, his ribs caught fire and pain flared through him. Dan grabbed Charlie's leg, tripping him. The pain that shot through him made Dan double over as he tried to stand. A punch to the face is what came next, it didn't hurt this time, the adrenaline numbed the pain and he felt anger rush through him. He punched Charlie back, feeling his frail bones ache as he hit his jaw. That was his second mistake.   
  
Dan's hair was tugged, pulling him down, Charlie brought his knee up quickly, jamming it into Dan's ribs again. Charlie let go of his hair and Dan fell to the ground. The crowd laughing and hollering. They cheered Charlie on, some yelling at Dan to get up and beat the shit out of him. Dan lied on the ground, feeling the cold tile against his cheek before pushing himself up onto his knees.    
  
Charlie was standing, looking down at Dan kneeling before him. He sneered, "Faggot! You belong on your knees."    
  
Another kick, sending Dan crashing onto his already bruised spine. Charlie went to step on him, but the school security guards finally arrived, pulling Charlie back. Dan felt someone grab him but he just lied there. He stared at the ceiling as he felt his world become dizzy, tears prickling at his eyes. He felt himself be weightlessly lifted before he blacked out.    
  
~   
  
The room was cold, and smelled of medical supplies. Dan sat on the turquoise bed in the nurse's office. They had him and Charlie getting their wounds addressed. Dan more than Charlie. Charlie had a bruise forming on his jaw from when Dan punched him. Dan on the other hand had a cut above his eyebrow and a busted lip. His ribs were probably bruised to tomorrow and his body was on fire.    
  
Charlie was across the room explaining to the security guard what had happened. Charlie didn't care much for school, so there was no lie in his story.    
  
"The faggot tried to shove past me," he stated simply. "He needed to be put in his place"    
  
Dan flinched a little at that. Needed to be put in his place, like the faggot he was. Right. Dan deserved it, he knew he did. Charlie was right, he was just a fat faggot who needed to be put in his place. Except that's not right. Dan isn't fat. He knows that, but what else are you supposed to do when you're constantly being put down. You find the bad in yourself. Anything Dan did was never enough.    
  
The nurse dismissed Dan after he had been cleaned up, a bandage above his eyebrow and a tissue held to his lip. He probably had a black eye to match. He glared at Charlie as he walked past him to the door. He left the office and headed to the school entrance. The school day wasn't over but Dan was. Over school. Over Charlie. Over his disorders. Over himself.    
  
He slung his backpack over his shoulder and pushed open the door. The walk home was a long one, for he normally rode the bus. Dan tried to enjoy it. Of course he couldn't.    
  
The thought on his mind was how many calories he could drop in this run home. He slipped the other strap of his bag on his shoulder and walked to the end of school property. From there he looked around a little, no one else was around seeing as it was the middle of a school day. His school was in a small isolated part of town, there were small houses and apartments around, but they were ways away from the city. He walked slowly to the edge of the street, sighing as he took in a breath.   
  
Dan began his run. He was tired and dizzy, but he needed this, needed to lose these calories. His body was slowly shutting down with each step. If he had been normal he could notice the nice cloudy sky, or the way the wind was blowing causing the trees to shake. The beautiful noises and sights of a nice autumn day. The sun bringing just enough warmth, the small squirrels scurrying up their trees.    
  
All Dan could think was one thing.    
  
Thinner.    
  
Thinner.    
  
_ Thinner.  _ _   
_ _   
_ __ That was his third mistake.


	2. On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant for this chapter to be longer, but I'm impatient. Enjoy ~

_He has to keep pushing **on.**_

By the time Dan got home he was barely breathing. His body was shaking, the little muscle he had left burned, his nose was runny, he hated doing this to himself.

In a fit of frustration, Dan unlocked the door to his house and dropped his back harshly on the ground next to the stairs. He made his way into the kitchen and opened the food cabinet. He was still shaking, his vision blurring, the nausea hitting him full force. Dan slowly reached out for a granola bar. His mind was yelling at him the whole time.

_'You will regret this.'_

Dan knew he'd regret it.

90 calories. That's all it was. It's been three days, he had to eat it. He had to, he'll faint, he'll die if he doesn't. He was crying now, warm, salty tears ran down his pale, boney face. This life was hell. Actual, absolute hell. Dan hated himself for getting into this mess.

His phone buzzed as he unwrapped the granola bar, in the shock he dropped the food as if it had burned him. He took his phone out with shaking hands, the screen was blurred because of his tears. Dan wiped at his eyes before unlocking his phone. It was text from Tyler.

_**Tyler:** still going strong with the fasting?_

Dan tensed. Of course Tyler was here to save him from making a stupid mistake like eating. Tyler was Dan's buddy, it was a terrible friendship and they should never have met. Tyler kept Dan from eating and breaking his fast. Dan made sure Tyler exercised enough to burn off all the calories. It was team work for sure, but the worst kind possible.

You see, they met like this: Dan had been only 14 years old and browsing an online forum. He wasn't sure how he got onto the forum really, he didn't mean to get this far into this problem. Dan stumbled across a boy around his age who was looking for someone to talk to, he seemed desperate. Dan messaged him, the 16 year old replied saying he needed a friend to help him through this illness. Dan agreed. He and Tyler never meant to become like this, continuously pushing each other to the edge. Their friendship started off encouraging each other to become better and healthier. Oh how the tables turned.

Dan sighed and rubbed his face before typing his reply.

_**Dan** : i mean it could be worse... got beat up and had to go to the nurse today_

_**Tyler** : shit dan you better be more careful. the nurse could report you for looking to sick. please dont leave me dan_

Guilt and worry spread through Dan. He couldn't leave his best friend alone to deal with his head.

_**Dan** : i know. don't worry i'll do my best to never get caught_

_**Tyler** : good._

Dan chewed on his bottom lip and made his way upstairs to his room. He knew what was coming next, but he couldn't blame Tyler. He couldn't blame anyone but himself.

_**Tyler** : body check?_

_**Dan** : yea sure gimme a second_

With that, he tugged his hoodie over his head, his shirt falling into a pile after it. Dan stood in front of the mirror, his jeans were baggy and made his legs look slightly bigger. In a short rage he pulled them off and kicked the small clothes pile into the corner of his room. He stood in front of the mirror again, his phone in his hand and his arms hanging to his sides. Dan could see his hollowed cheeks and the dark circles under his eyes. His ribs and hip bones jutted out in an uncomfortable way. Little scars and scans littered his ribs and chest from where he had  a cut himself in punishment. He had a thigh gap, he could use both of hands to make a small "O" around his thigh. It took just one hand to make an "O" around his upper arm. His collarbones stuck out, in the right shirt it looked amazing, but standing here it made his stomach churn. Dan wasn't sure if it was happiness or sickness. He wasn't fat, yet it wasn't enough, he wasn't skinny enough. He was a meal away from death and it still wasn't enough.

He ran his boney fingers through his dry, thinning hair before lifting his phone to take a picture. As he stared at himself on his phone screen he felt a small sense of pride. He made himself look like this. He had enough control to do this. His elbows and arms were just bones, he basically had no meat left on him. Dan would be surprised if his body wasn't already using muscle to provide energy for himself. He quickly sent the picture off to Tyler, he received one back in a minute. Tyler looked a little healthier than Dan, but that was simply because Tyler was shorter than Dan. With Dan's height being 6'4 it wasn't all that hard to lose weight or look thin. His thinness actually made him look even taller. Tyler on the other hand was 5'3, stuck at a height where it was nearly impossible to lose weight quickly. Tyler hated it, no matter how much he fasted or exercised he still had little pudge on his hips and thighs. Dan told him he looked great, he was doing so well. Tyler brushed him off and said he needed to exercise more and continue his fast for another week than planned.

That's how they always did it. A week you can eat anything under 300 calories, the next week you fast completely, only drinking water or zero foods. Zero food, or negative calorie foods, where fruits and vegetables that burned more calories than they make you gain.

Dan hated this life, yet he needed it, needed it to feel as if he is enough.

His thoughts were ripped away as he heard the front door open and close, signalling one of his parents were home from work. Dan sighed and slipped his hoodie back on, ignoring his shirt for now. He looked down as he began to pull some basketball shorts on, his bony knees clacking together. The nausea ran over him before he realised and then he was on the floor, his shorts halfway up his thighs. Daniel sighed and stared at the ceiling, he pulled the shorts over his hips and tugged the string to make them tight enough. He was deteriorating, slowly decaying away. His body was frail, his mind was weak, the emotions he felt were a whirlwind of emptiness and shame.

"Daniel?" his mum called up the stairs to him.

Dan used this as an excuse to get in a sit up before he stood, making his way down to his mother. The house was fairly small, they couldn't afford much at the time because of his parents jobs. Dan didn't mind though, he didn't need much to live. There were picture frames in the hallway, pictures of Dan and his brother when they were kids, pictures of his parents wedding, just small momentos of their life as a family.

The stairs creaked slightly as Dan stepped on them, the house was old and creaky, the railing for the stairs wobbled a bit when you put weight on it. Dan's mum smiled at him as she saw him turning into the kitchen.

"How have you been, Dan?" she asked and went back to rummaging through her purse which sat on the kitchen counter. Dan shrugged then realised his mum couldn't see him.

"I've been alright. How was work?" he asked quietly, his voice a bit scratchy. He and his parents didn't fight, they got along well, Dan just didn't seem to have a connection with anyone though at the time.

"Just fine. Start on dinner, would you?" she asked, throwing Dan a look that said 'you don't really have a choice' and left to put her purse away and change into more comfortable clothes.

Queasy wasn't the word for what Dan felt as he began to boil water for Mac and Cheese. The steam from the boiling water made Dan sweat, the need to vomit nearly knocked him over. He poured the hard noodles into the water with shaking hands and dropped the box, stumbling into the bathroom.

He held onto the walls as if he were a drunk man walking through a bar, he burst through the bathroom door and dropped to his knees. He dry heaved into the toilet bowl a few times. Tears streamed down his face as his empty stomach tried to empty itself of nothing. Daniel hated vomitting, he could never purge unless it was an accident, such as now.

A few minutes passed of him dry heaving before he could even sit back against the wall. His body was shaking and the tears didn't seem to stop. Dan honestly felt like he was dying, and he wouldn't be too surprised if he truly was. He let out a choked sob as his body trembled, he brought his skinny legs up and held his knees to his chest. His head rested on his knees and his hands found their way into his hair. He pulled violently at the strands as he cried, his throat was burning from the crying and the dry heaving. He sat up straight and stared up at the ceiling for a minute. He sat there limp, his eyes still watering, his hands beside his thighs. He suddenly kicked at the toilet angrily. He slammed the door shut and punched it. He pushed his sleeves up to his elbows, and ran his brittle fingernails along his arms, leaving burning red marks along the pale skin. Dan gritted his teeth and sobbed silently, feeling himself breaking. He silently screamed into the abyss of life, once again bringing his knees up to his chest. He hugged himself into a small ball and just sat there. It felt like hours, he knew that wasn't right though because the macaroni wouldn't be done yet.

There was a knock on the bathroom door.

"Dan?" his mother called, "Can you to call your brother and his friend down for dinner? The macaroni is almost done."

He heard her footsteps leading back to the kitchen. He sighed and composed himself. With trembling hands he pushed himself up, turning to the mirror and bracing himself on the sink. He reached out to turn the cold water on, catching a glimpse of his reflection.

He looked dead. Worse than earlier even, tear stains marked his hollow cheeks, the dark circles under his eyes turning from a purple to an actual black, and his eyes were bloodshot from crying. He quickly turned the knob for the faucet and let the water run for a second. He stared down at it, wondering what the point of it all was.

He was like water, there for a second and gone the next, down the drain into the pipes of waste. He could be the lucky drop that got used for a purpose, only to be dropped back down the drain again, or wiped away because he was no longer needed.

He shook his head and splashed the cold water on his face, scrubbing at the tear stains. He ruffled his hair and blinked his eyes a few times. Dan sucked in a breath and turned the faucet off, turning to leave the bathroom without looking at himself again. He was afraid to see what he would find.

Dan made his way up the stairs, his legs nearly giving out half way up. He gripped the banister and breathed slowly, closing his eyes before continuing again. His heart felt like it was going a million miles an hour, as if it were preparing for a mile run.

The walk down the hall felt like walking through hell. It got harder everyday and Dan wasn't sure how much more he could handle. He reached his brothers door, next to his room. He heard the quiet talking of his brother and his friend, a video game even quieter in the background.

A quiet knock was met with a slightly annoyed "What?"

"Mum said dinner's ready." he replied in a small voice, his brother gave a noise of acknowledgement before turning his attention to his friend.

Again, Dan and his brother didn't fight, they got along, Dan just couldn't find a reason or a will to connect with anyone.

He walked back to the stairs and leaned against the wall a few steps down. He closed his eyes tightly, feeling loneliness seep through his chest and into his stomach. Dan was alone. He had Tyler, yea, but it's not the same.

His brothers door opening and shuffled footsteps are what shakes Dan out of his mind. He turns and starts to walk down the steps again, but his brother and his friend  ran past him before he even got three steps down.

"Sorry!" was yelled up at him and Dan mumbled a response.

Dan dreaded dinner. Having to hide from his parents, waiting until his family was done eating so he could scoop his portion back in with the leftovers and clean up after them.

He took a deep breath and continued his descent down the stairs. He turned the corner into the kitchen and plastered a smile on his face. Dan's father was home now, he was met with a glance and a nod of acknowledgement. Dan's mother was piling macaroni into bowls. Dan's brother and his friend grabbed theirs, taking a seat at the table. Dan's mother grabbed a bowl for her and Dan's father. She placed the bowl in front of his dad, smiling at Dan, waiting for him.

Dan took a step, his vision blurring. He took another, sickness washed over him. Another stepped caused tears prickle in his eyes. He grabbed his bowl and turned to his family.

They were waiting for him.

Watching him.

Dan walked, their eyes tracing him.

Dan sat.

They smiled.

He smiled back.

They ate.

Dan felt his world crumbling.


End file.
